exorcist part 1

This is a comedy-of-errors. The story is about a logical nun who is constantly annoying an exorcist. It starts in a house in a village. The master villain of the story actually must be defeated in several different forms. Writing prompt generated by Seventh Sanctum

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“I’m so grateful that you could come and see,” the woman told me.  The woman’s voice was an irritating high pitched squeaky one. She found out what I did when I drank a bit too much in the local tavern. I never did learn to watch my mouth after I’d had a few. 

“Can you save my Charlie? I know he’s possessed.” We were standing in a small house at the edge of a village. 

I leaned in for a closer look. The man on the bed was looking very limp and happened to belch as I got close. His breath told me all I needed to know. He might be possessed by spirits, but they were distilled, not demons. Still, if I pretended to exorcise his ‘demons’ maybe she’d pay up. Or at least invite me to a decent meal, it had been a long time since I’d last had one.

“Vade exiit daemonium foeda relinquunt corpus,” I proclaimed over the recumbent body. 

Charlie moaned loudly, which gave me an idea. I had my bag, I always carried the bag with me. In it, I found a bottle of the most foul smelling concoction that I carried. I pulled out the cork and waved it under his nose. One whiff had Charlie out of bed and headed outside, looking very green.

“I believe that the demons are vanquished, ma’am. I assume that you’d like to pay promptly for services rendered?”

“Pay?” she squeaked at me. “Pay? I thought it was your duty?”

“Exorcism is my profession. If I don’t get paid, I don’t eat. And I really do love to eat,” I replied.

“Out, out,” she shrieked at me. “I never thought you’d ask for money.”

I should have known, I really should have. If there is one thing that happens time and again, it’s people believing that some services don’t require money. I trudged out of the house, I could tell that this one was a hopeless case.

“Hello, Gerald. You are looking rather out of sorts tonight.”

Oh god, my night just got infinitely worse. “Sister Anna, what a surprise to see you here.”

Sister Anna may be a wonderful nun, a kindly person, someone that birds simply flock to. From my point of  view, she’s just a pest.

“Now Gerald, I had to find you. We didn’t finish our last discussion.”

I sighed. Now that Sister Anna had found me, I was doomed to listen to more of our last discussion. “I don’t need to belong to your religion to succeed in my job. Demons don’t care if I’m Christian.”

“It takes the power of God to send a soul back to heaven or hell. If you don’t have the power of God, those souls must still roam the earth. You might be exorcising the same demon over and over again.”

I wish I could exorcise Sister Anna from my life. “I send the demons back to hell where they belong. End of story. Your faith is not required.”